As I’m writing this blog post,
I should be marking for the University, or finishing the study guide for the
college, or doing whatever it is I said ‘yes’ to when I really should have not.
But I have been itching to write for such a long time. And not ‘fiction’ write,
that’s an entirely different type of writing.
I mean I have had the urge to
write a post like this for the longest time, always telling myself ‘No,
Natasha, you don’t have time.’
Well, here we are. To the
three people who read this – thanks!
I write for myself, I always
have. I write for the thousands of words scrambling for a place in my busy
brain. I write for my own mental health. But if any of you out there can find
some sense and semblance in these sentences, I see that as my sweetest success.
(I’ll stop with the
alliteration now).
After leaving the traditional
classroom for the online class over three years ago, I realised my mental
health had taken a severe knock (more on that transition in an upcoming
post). I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t
reading, I wasn’t running – all the things that made my soul come alive.
Something had to be done, and
quickly. I went on a journey – a long road to the recovery of my own sanity. I
wished to be 21 again – running every day, writing as much as I read (which was
a lot) and living purely in the moment with very little thought to anxiety, my
full schedule, or what I felt I had to achieve in life. It took me a while to
realise I will never be that 21-year-old ever again. I had changed, my life had
changed. I am married now, working in a field that offers me great fulfilment,
but my goals have stayed largely the same. However, this changed self meant
that I could no longer reach my goals in the same way.
Facing one’s mental health
means facing a lot of demons. This is an uncomfortable thing to do, and
something not many people can manage. We are not taught to sit with our
feelings. Only recently has the world come to light on the negative effects of
this, but for those of us raised with “I’ll give you something to cry about” it
has been a process of learning that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel every
possible emotion. That is the beauty of human life. We get to experience the
most beautiful emotions. That was difficult for me. Sitting with my emotions
was insanely uncomfortable. I had always distracted myself – that’s survival
mode for you. You don’t have time to process these emotions, so you just try to
forget about them. For five years.
That did not work out too well
– it lead to depression, anxiety, and the inability to really feel alive. That
was the worst feeling of all.
This lead me down a road of
reading self-help books, journalling, talking to people, therapy, and learning
to sit with my emotions, however uncomfortable they may be. It also meant learning
what was important to me. Since leaving the brick-and-mortar school, which was
an insanely toxic environment, I have landed up at a company that is actually
well run. With bosses that genuinely care about everyone – from the clients to
the staff. That really resonated with me and brought out the best in me. I
never realised what a difference a work environment can make to one’s mental
health. I know there are some people that don’t mind toxic environments, but
they are definitely not for me.
I like to think I am kind
person who speaks up when there is something wrong. But I am also 100% human
and I make mistakes. Many mistakes…
I still agree to do things
when my entire schedule is already full, and I make mistakes at work, or
sometimes get impatient with my husband.
I believe that everyone makes
mistakes and should not be shamed for them. So being surrounded by people who
believe the same inevitably improves my mental health. It led me to realise
that no workplace should ever lead to the deterioration of my mental health. I
used to think it was ‘part of the grind’, and I was ‘paying my dues’, and that
somehow I would reach a state of pseudo-martyrdom for it. This was not the
case.
I have seen people around me
also prioritise their mental health. A person very near and dear to my heart
announced that they would be taking a break from certain communications for
their mental health. My first reaction was to be hurt, if I’m being honest, and
then (when the selfish little kid in me grew the f*&k up) I realised that this
was the first time I could remember that this person was putting themselves
first. Being brave enough to state exactly what they need and how they need it.
I wish I had the bravery to do that. And perhaps now I will.
Working on your mental health
will be a process that is unique to you. No two people will walk the same path.
And we should respect that about each other. Let the little kid in you grow the
f&*k up and realise someone else’s mental health journey is not about you.
What they choose to do to in order to live their life is theirs alone. This is
a fact I repeat to myself daily. How much audacity do we have to believe that
the person who cut us off in traffic did it to ruin our day, or that someone
who is rude is out to get you. Once we realise that the actions of others are
not about us, we can move on with our lives in so much peace. Once we realise
that everyone is on their own unique journey, we can make a move to a kinder
world.
I leave you with this: move
towards that which makes your soul scream in joy. Only allow in moments that
make your life the fairytale that you want it to be. Mental Health is not a
destination – it is an ever-evolving road that we must walk for our entire
lives.
-Tash